Sit down, shut up, shut down.

 We have learned to shut our feelings off.

We have learned to drown the voices out.

we learn the game, pretend this is normal,

don’t you dare open your mouth.

Don’t speak, don’t think, don’t feel.

Sit still and smile through your tears.

You are a child.

How dare you act as if this affects you.

This is how we cope.

Then further down the road,

We ponder the pain that haunts

Who is this person ive become?

guarded, isolated, bitter,

afraid to even breathe

constantly apologizing

feelings buried deep.

We build walls  for protection,

trying to keep the world outside

If I don’t feel, then I won’t be disappointed.

If I don’t trust, then I won’t be hurt.

You made me this way, yet you wonder what happened?

Why so distant?

The rest of your life becomes undoing what was done.

05/29/15

survival

This is survival for me.  This is how I understand my life and who I am. I feel like I’ve been so many different people. There are so many layers it’s hard to remember the true center. I have written and closed so many chapters, I have to remind myself of  who I really am how I get here.

It’s been a journey one step after another. I record my steps so I can remember my progress. It’s surprising to look back on. Sometimes I run into the same thoughts, it helps to see the process right in front of me.

I have to remind myself of so many things on a daily basis. I have to keep switching perspectives, knowing which place to focus on at the right time. Keeping it all in balance, letting it out so my brain doesn’t overload.

The Mind has too many webs, sometimes its hard to stay connected. It’s like a computer with Too many tabs open. Fragmented thoughts are frustrating. Sync it together.

So many plans, sometimes they escape me. I have to see it in front of me. I need encouragement. I need reminders. I need to see progress.

There’s no such thing as finished.

These are my  emotions, my experience the way I perceive them. Experiences cannot be wrong. There’s never a chance to talk about all the things that are truly on your mind. If I spoke out loud all the emotions I felt in a single day, I’m not sure if I would even want to listen..

Some days it’s all internal….Some days I purposefully try to drown out thoughts  so I can just be present. I don’t always want to be caught up in self.

This is a survival skill. I sharpen with experience. I don’t try to be too deep.  This is just the way I think.

It’s essential as much as sleeping, eating, breathing. Push it out even when lazy, tired. Even after the experience is long over and done, write it out. It means something.