The Biggest Fear

I think my Biggest fear is that if I finally find the courage to face my fears and open up to someone, that I will be judged and rejected.

You can’t trust your emotions to everyone,

And I know I shouldn’t put myself in vulnerable situations with people I can’t trust, but it happened.

Right now, everything is becoming slippery. Needing support but acting like everything is cool…

Drinking through my Insecurities again, Now trying to face the mess I made.

I don’t do casual because I’m not casual, now when my emotions are involved.

I keep saying It’s because of stress…but when will I not be stressed?

I know this will pass, like every emotional crisis, I’ll survive it.

But what Happens next? Do I cut my losses or try to communicate…

wait it out.

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Not Ok

Today was the BreakDown I tried to avoid.

Something about that place stirs up way too many memories and emotions.

I can never make it through 4 hours without tears.

I kept trying to push myself through, but I couldn’t anymore.

Everyone around me can see that I’m not really here at all.

I am so zoned out I can barely force words out of my month.

I keep working like eventually the robotic scans on my machine will make my brain stop thinking or my soul stop feeling.

I hate this place.

This is the same feeling I had when I would scream and cry in my car in the mornings before work

Then pull it together and walk into the building with a smile.

I’m sick of faking like I’m ok.

Some days I am, but some days I’m just not.

I don’t really know how to interact with people when I’m not.

I hate wearing my pain so visibly, but

I am only Human and still learning to be ok.

Here I Am.

This is Me

Here I am.

I’m starting completely over again

Building myself from the ground up

I’m juggling so much by myself 

And still trying to be happy…

It’s a game of Survival

People come and go and everyone has their opinion of who they THINK I am,

But at the end of the day, why should I fear anyone but God?

I can’t let people Bring Me Down.

I Release those Fears

Enough is Enough!

This week was full of reflections and revelations that helped me to recognize the source of my stress and frustration with my life.

For my entire adult life I have worked, studied, trained, and performed without ever feeling truly satisfied. I always seemed to need more money and more time to fulfill my never ending list of goals.

No matter how busy and stressed, I always felt that I needed to do more professionally, creatively, and personally.

6 months ago, I came to NY with this same attitude. I jumped in head first working 2 jobs, going back to school, constantly moving without permanent housing, trying to make time for dance, and struggling to maintain a relationship.

Needless to say after about 3 months of this madness, I was burnt out, bitter, and disappointed that things turned out nothing like I had imagined.

2 months later, I am living in a homeless shelter. I have decided to focus on one part time job, and my priority is to finish school in Spring. My relationship finally ended after we were both forced to admit that it had become toxic and emotionally draining.

Now that I have slowed down, My mind finally has clarity to see the truth about myself and my decisions. Here are the major lessons I learned.

There has to be a such thing as Enough. (Yogi Principle)

Stop pushing yourself to do more than you can without stress.

An excessive mindset keeps you from being grateful for what you already have.

Eliminate excessiveness and prioritize the essentials..

You don’t have to do more or be more to live your dreams. Learn to work with what you have right here and right now.

Just Existing

Today is one of those cold, grey days….

Lately , I feel it more and more

Loneliness

Homelessness…not just physically

But emotionally, disconnected from everything.

Part of me is questioning why I decided to move here alone??

Everything feels empty and meaningless

What is there to look forward to?

At work, I’m just taking up space

Not even present.

Every day I face facts

A relationship won’t fill me.

I’m not living, just existing.


I won’t feel like Me again until I’m creatively productive and connected again.