[feeling jaded and bitter]
Everyone around me expects positivity but my patience is fading. I’m tired of forcing myself through each day.
I can’t breathe between my thoughts, I can’t see between my tears. I can’t believe how long I’ve been unhappy.
Im going to lose my mind if I dont move on from here.
Searching for what I never find…
My soul craves Expression, Inspiration, Connection, Energy….I find it in music, in movement, in Nature.
When I’m not performing or expressing myself, I feel bitter, bored, depressed and dissapointed. There’s so much desire still locked inside. I need to breath life into my desires. Do what I feel, feel what I do, and Love it.
I’m Reaching the point in my career where people see my talent and everyone wants a piece… the problem is that people are only looking out for themselves. At first it sounds like a great opportunity for exposure, but I now realize the truth. People want to use me as a dancer/choreographer to make their productions better. It’s not about me at all. They don’t realize or even care about how hard it is for me to sacrifice the time to put dances together while I’m working every day. They think they are doing me a favor, but they don’t realize that I am already a professional paid dance instructor and Choreographer. I don’t need to jump at every opportunity people throw at me, especially people who aren’t even offering to pay me.
I know that it’s good to help people and be suportive, but it’s time to look out for myself. I’ll be 26 next month and I have enough challenges trying to build a career as a performer. I’m done with giving my time to others just to be supportive. I have my own dreams and visions that I need to put into action, but I keep pushing them aside by giving away the little time I have off.
It’s time to start thinking and acting like a Professional Artist. It’s time to start focusing on what I want not what other people want from me. It’s time to let go of extra commitments and prioritize my goals as a performing artist. I have to start saying no to things that don’t line up with my vision. It’s not to be mean. It’s the only way I will ever get to where I want to be.
This Year I can feel that it’s time to shift into a new season. I’m shifting away from survival mode and into Desire. It’s time to start manifesting the life of my dreams.
I’m tired of counting down the days until I can breathe again. I want to enjoy my life, my body, my money, my career, and my journey. The life I desire requires more! More creating, more inspiration, more connection, more expression.
I Give Myself permission to take it to the next level!
I am taking the necessary steps to create the Life I Desire.
I accept my path as a Free Spirit Artist. I am not meant to be tied down by my job, my family, or my location.I don’t need relationships or labels. Long term commitments make me feel suffocated and trapped. I belong to no one. I am not meant to stay in one place. In every season of my life, I learn what I need to and then it’s time for me to move on. I am constantly evolving. I change my job, I change my friends, I change my style, I change my mind. I welcome my present source of inspiration. I let go of negative energy that binds me down. I love having time to myself. Being alone does not make me feel lonely. It brings me peace. I need space to move, breathe and just be myself.
At times it feels like Happiness is an unrealistic expectation. I know it’s not possible for me to have everything I want all at once, but my life is good. I don’t have a lot of money, but I have what I need. I don’t love my job, but it pays the bills and I’m thankful for it. I’m glad that I have the opportunity to perform in two shows right now. I can say that I am grateful and content to be where I am but it’s hard for me to use the word happy when it comes to my life. There’s another place I want to be. I see myself getting closer to it, but I’m not there yet.
For me, happiness is freedom-being able to express myself and be myself, not having to worry about money every day, being self sufficient, having time and energy to do the things I love-creating, performing, connecting.
So, what is keeping me from all of this now?
Is it wrong to say that I won’t be truly happy until I reach this point? Is that an unrealistic expectation? Once I finally get to this place, will I truly be happy? Or will I be ready for the next thing? Am I just someone who’s never satisfied?
At first glance I may appear as the weakest link, but I see something they don’t see… There’s something different about me and I’m going to work it to my advantage! Shenise G.