I’ve reached the point where I no longer feel afraid in my skin. I can embrace myself as an aspiring artist, teacher, dancer, androgynous, black, female Boss on a mission to be sucessful in all I do.
I’ve dealt with the pain of rejection, heartbreak, and loneliness for my whole life. In the end, it’s the reason I am strong enough to stand on my own.
So be afraid of who? For what?
I didn’t move to NY to live afraid. I came here because I am Ready to give it all to live my dream. I have the confidence that I can do whatever I set my mind to.
What’s the worst that can happen to me? Someone thinks I am untalented? Oh well, I know who I am and I have nothing to prove. The only competition is against myself. The only limitations are my own beliefs.
I’ve got to get through this. Lately, I’m finding myself frustrated with every part of my life.
With Dance, I can’t seem to stop judging and comparing myself to the people around me. I feel like a stand out because of my age and race…My insecurities are affecting my confidence and my attitude. I just want to be successful so badly that I’m pressuring myself and expecting too much too soon. I’m feeling stressed instead of having fun expressing myself.
I’m at the point where I’m frustrated with everything around me here…Everywhere I turn I’m surrounded by dead end jobs, everyone struggling to make ends meet, the same old situations never improving, limited opportunities, mediocrity..
For some, it’s easier to remain in misery than to work towards change.
For me, the pressure is enough to push me into success. I refuse to keep living like this, working two jobs just to pay bills and barely having the time for my Art.
I can’t accept this. We went to college and earned degrees. We deserve more than this. Staying here is Not an Option! Leaving is the only way to gain the career and life I deserve. I’m working, training, and counting the days until I can say goodbye to this place.
My soul craves Expression, Inspiration, Connection, Energy….I find it in music, in movement, in Nature.
When I’m not performing or expressing myself, I feel bitter, bored, depressed and dissapointed. There’s so much desire still locked inside. I need to breath life into my desires. Do what I feel, feel what I do, and Love it.
I’m Reaching the point in my career where people see my talent and everyone wants a piece… the problem is that people are only looking out for themselves. At first it sounds like a great opportunity for exposure, but I now realize the truth. People want to use me as a dancer/choreographer to make their productions better. It’s not about me at all. They don’t realize or even care about how hard it is for me to sacrifice the time to put dances together while I’m working every day. They think they are doing me a favor, but they don’t realize that I am already a professional paid dance instructor and Choreographer. I don’t need to jump at every opportunity people throw at me, especially people who aren’t even offering to pay me.
I know that it’s good to help people and be suportive, but it’s time to look out for myself. I’ll be 26 next month and I have enough challenges trying to build a career as a performer. I’m done with giving my time to others just to be supportive. I have my own dreams and visions that I need to put into action, but I keep pushing them aside by giving away the little time I have off.
It’s time to start thinking and acting like a Professional Artist. It’s time to start focusing on what I want not what other people want from me. It’s time to let go of extra commitments and prioritize my goals as a performing artist. I have to start saying no to things that don’t line up with my vision. It’s not to be mean. It’s the only way I will ever get to where I want to be.
There’s a war raging inside my mind right now. I am not where I want to be. I want to be successful so badly I am telling myself to do whatever it takes, even if that means pushing past my limits until exhaustion….but the more I push myself, the more my mind and adrenaline kick in and tell me that I cannot rest or slow down. I’m getting to the point where I can’t sit still, my mind is cluttered, I’m drinking more, and I have to force myself to rest at the end of the day. I’m moving so fast, that I’m making impulsive decisions rather than acting with peaceful clarity. I’m trying to do it all because it feels like I’m not moving fast enough…Anxiety mode
I’m anxious because I’m 25 and I know that this is my time to move into my next level. My spirit knows to be patient and to Trust God as I Trust my Journey. Deep down I know that I cannot rush the process. I need to give myself the time I need to prepare. But at the same time, I am running out of patience. I’m trying to increase the speed of my life so that I don’t have time to focus on my reality, which is… I’m still here living in my hometown with my family, working a full time job that I don’t belong in, still struggling to pay bills and save money from month to month. I feel alone. Even though I am not the only struggling artist here, I wish there were more of us. I wish there were more professional training opportunities for me here, but I realize that professional training for adults does not exist here.
I am a positive person, but there are days when it’s just hard to feel inspired. I know from experience that when anxiety and negativity start building up like this, I need to RE-focus and RE-charge. The reality of my life as a working artist is that I am ALWAYS fighting between being patient and accepting of my current place and feeling frustrated, stressed, and stuck in my current place. This week, my anxious thoughts and emotions started to over-ride my truth, causing me to lose my Peace.
To go back to my truth, I must continue to find a peaceful balance between all of my goals and desires. I know that I need to slow myself down and stick to the plan. I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing enough right now with teaching, choreographing, practicing, performing, and working. I cannot do EVERYTHING all at once. Although I’m always excited for more opportunities, I have to start focusing and prioritizing the ones that will help me reach my ultimate goal. Most importantly, I have to continue to train my mind and spirit as I am training my body. This means, keeping prayer, meditation, and mindfulness a priority each day so that I can live in a state of peace rather than a frantic frenzy.