Here I Am.

This is Me

Here I am.

I’m starting completely over again

Building myself from the ground up

I’m juggling so much by myself 

And still trying to be happy…

It’s a game of Survival

People come and go and everyone has their opinion of who they THINK I am,

But at the end of the day, why should I fear anyone but God?

I can’t let people Bring Me Down.

I Release those Fears

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Just Existing

Today is one of those cold, grey days….

Lately , I feel it more and more

Loneliness

Homelessness…not just physically

But emotionally, disconnected from everything.

Part of me is questioning why I decided to move here alone??

Everything feels empty and meaningless

What is there to look forward to?

At work, I’m just taking up space

Not even present.

Every day I face facts

A relationship won’t fill me.

I’m not living, just existing.


I won’t feel like Me again until I’m creatively productive and connected again.

More to Life


I’m Sick of being trapped inside a system where I can’t get ahead.

I’m always working, but still behind.

They say Money is the root of evil but it affects our quality of Life…

I’m always outside looking in at the Life of my dreams….

Watching people of privledge prosper effortlessly.

Me I have to split myself in 3 to study, work, and try to live my dreams.

When am I free to pursue my passions??

They say you cannot Buy Happiness….

So I guess I should learn to be content with Living from Hand to Mouth 

every day of every week of every month.

Don’t get me wrong, I am Thankful for everything I have.

I see people in far worse circumstances every day.

Thankful I am, but content? Not at all.

With Spiritual eyes, I see where I am supposed to be.

I can’t Accept Work, Struggle, Repeat as the  theme of my saga.

There’s More to Life and I deserve it.

So aggressively I will work, study, Move, shift, and shake my Plans into action

As I Pray, Trust, and Believe there is More to this Life.

The Fem Body Complex

It’s easy to get so caught up in what “Looks Beautiful” that you forget that you already are…

I’ve been dealing with this pressure lately. Even though I have spent years learning to Love and Accept the Real Me sometimes I still lose it and get stuck in the trap of feeling “Am I enough?”

Its easy to lose perspective when you are a Dancer who always seems to find herself on the Outside looking in…On top of that, Broke and Desperate wondering what it will take to get me from Point A to B??

Would it help if I looked more like a stripper with a small waist and Huge Ass, a Barbie Face and perfect, long hair??

Of course I know how Superficial and Anti-Feminist this “standard” for Female Beauty is but let’s face it….

These Girls Get PAID!

And not the Bullsht money you have to work over 40 hours at a crappy job for…

When I look at them, I find myself thinking it can’t be so hard to look like that…

Then I look at my own body…My angular shoulders, muscular arms, long legs, size A chest, and size 10 feet and I question my femininity…

Am I enough? Will I be accepted like this?

In the back of my mind, I hear my own voice saying You Are Beautiful as You Are! I hear my girlfriend’s voice saying I’m Beautiful, Sexy, And she wouldn’t change a thing… But still I am self conscious.

So I’m faced with these two perspectives, pondering these questions on a daily basis…

How do I get back to that place of Self Love and Acceptance??

Is it worth it to compromise to get what I want faster??

To be Continued

Dreams-Living vs. Speaking

What have I learned from my first attempt at living my dreams in NYC and briefly coming home to friends and family?….

It’s easier to Live Your Dreams Out Loud than to speak them out loud.

Speaking your dreams gives people the chance to cut them down and implant seeds of Doubt into your Vision.

I know why I left this place….Being here Drains my energy. I’m constantly surrounded by voices of Fear.

It’s takes all the strength I have just to stay inspired from day to day…

Is there anyone here that can lift me up??

There goes that anxious, restless feeling that tells me it’s time to go.

From now on, I’ll share even less about my journey.

I want my accomplishments to speak for themselves.

Reality and Dreams

Living your Dreams should be A Right, not something reserved for the Privileged….

But the reality is, I can’t afford to live my dreams here.

Maybe this mentality is my problem…I see others living their Dreams and I compare…Im just as talented. Why can’t I have it?

The ones on the top are already professional dancers and entertainers living in The heart of the city, where all the opportunities are.

Meanwhile, I’m homeless, working 2 Jobs, and trying to finish school so I can actually sustain my Dance Dreams.

The irony is that I came to NY to be in a Dance program. but I can’t afford tuition. I dont even know how I can make the time while I’m still working like crazy just to live.

Maybe I need to learn to live my Dreams on a smaller scale?

One Day at a Time

Reality has a way of Humbling me.

Breaking me to my knees,

Sreaming in my face…

“Wake Up Cinderella!”

I’m trying to stop jumping the gun. I keep trying to make things happen before it’s time…I’m a control freak.

I’m trying to stop setting my expectations so high, it’s a setup for disappointment. Things in my life are never the way I see them in my mind.

Why do Dreams Manifest so slowly?

It’s hard to break these habits because I want what I want so badly. It feels like I’ve been waiting my whole life… Every day I pray for strength, patience, and peace. There never seems to be enough.

I’m trying to let Go and let God lead. I’m trying…Pray for me.