Please Understand

What happens when you experience something that you’re not ready for?

You can’t understand it so you can’t talk about it.

And No one can explain it to you.

These aren’t just habits. This is how I’ve learned to cope.

This is how I feel Im ok or in control.

These are my secrets, my demons, my ghosts.

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Clearly UnDefined….

 

Day to day I feel trapped in a Multiplicity of Self…

At times, I am proud of myself, but other times I’m ashamed of my flaws.

I am a kind, loving person but I push people away when they get too close.

Some days I am so inspired, I feel I can do anything. Some days I feel like I’m in over my head.

Some days I feel everything. Some days I am completely numb, just existing.

Some days I feel relaxed and comfortable with people. Some days I feel tense and impatient.

Why am I so complicated? Why can’t I just be the real Me all the time?

How do I get my mind, body, and emotions all on the same page?? To express my true feelings without the need to cover up.

How do I express myself on the days that I feel empty?? I am not a negative person. I know this is a battle I have to keep fighting.

When I become unbalanced, everything falls apart until I realign.

Until I can be the Real Me in every context, I remain emotionally unavailable. It has nothing to do with others, and everything to do with me and my multiplicity of selves…

 

 

 

 

FRee Spirit LOve?

Up until recently I thought of myself as a Free Spirit… Then a new friend brought up that I am actually high strung. I was irritated at first, but I knew she had valid points.

Since I moved to NY, I’ve been in constant work mode, It’s hard to relax…Rent is outrageously high, I don’t have my own place yet, I need a Second job, and I’m starting school next week. Most of my day when I’m not working is spent traveling / navigating around the City so by the end of the day I’m exhausted. With all that, I’ve barely had the time and energy to do the thing I came here to do…. DANCE!

I’m trying my best to calm it down, but I know I have a tendency to make things even more complicated by trying to do everything myself. Yesterday, most of my day consisted of trying to meet up with my friend in Central Park. We started at 1 and we didn’t find each other until 5….. So many things went wrong, But instead of going with simple solutions to make things faster, I insisted on trying to figure it out myself. What started as a leisurely Sunday afternoon ended up being a complicated, exhausting journey. Needless to say, I had the worst attitude by the time my friend met up with me…

She talked with me about it and told me to stop being so hard on myself (by that time I was going on a full rant about all the time I wasted by going to the wrong location). We went back and forth for a while, But I had to admit she was right…. 

Yes, I can be very high strung and complicated for no reason… My mind just works that way. 

So how do I get back to being my old, carefree and Free Spirited Self??

Maybe I need to accept my own limitations and Stop trying to do it all on my own.

Maybe I should try to be more patient with myself and learn to enjoy the journey rather than fixating on the outcome.

Maybe I need to stop fighting against my own emotions and admit that I Really Like this Girl!

Maybe I just need to Stop trying to control everything and Just Let it Happen (as long as it’s not leading to danger or harm of course).

Those things are all easier said than done…But Today is a new Day and I’m going to try my best.

Peace, Love, Happiness

Shenise G.

Confessions of a Dancer…A Lonely Path

Maybe it’s better that I dont have friends. This is a reoccuring issue. I’m the one who pushes people away, then wonder why I’m alone.

Sometimes I just need time and Space to process. My mind gets overwhelmed and I stop smiling, stop talking because all I can do is Breathe to keep myself from breaking down. I don’t mean to shut down but I still do it. 
I wish I could communicate that in a respectful way, but I still haven’t learned…. I get it, sorry isn’t enough sometimes. If I lose another friend, I know it’s on me.
By now I’ve learned to tell myself that even without friends, I’ll be successful. Maybe it’s better this way. I hate to bring other people down with my issues. This is something I have to deal with on my own. 

New Season

With each day I know that this is the beginning of a new season. I can’t find peace in anything anymore. There’s only emptiness and brokenness left here. I try so hard to keep myself from sinking down into it every day. I’m fighting so hard to keep my dreams alive and I’m glad that I made it this far, but I don’t feel like I’m living my life yet. 


I’m tired of just getting by, accepting whatever life hands me, finding the tiniest glimpses of happiness once in a rare blue moon.

I feel trapped and isolated and I’m tired of feeling like this. I have to be courageous and ambitious enough to build the life I dream of rather than accept the second rate life I’ve been given. The longer I’m here, the more bitter and resentful I become. It’s been 10 years.. I finally realize that staying here is holding me back from the life I could be living.

I just want to be happy, that’s the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.

Stop Believing that you are powerless and forced to accept a second rate life. You have the power to achieve any goal you set your mind to. 

 

Chasing Desire

Searching for what I never find…

My soul craves Expression, Inspiration, Connection, Energy….I find it in music, in movement, in Nature.

When I’m not performing or expressing myself, I feel bitter, bored, depressed and dissapointed. There’s so much desire still locked inside.  I need to breath life into my desires. Do what I feel, feel what I do, and Love it.

โ˜ฎ๏ธ๐Ÿ’™๐ŸŒžShenise G.