New Season

With each day I know that this is the beginning of a new season. I can’t find peace in anything anymore. There’s only emptiness and brokenness left here. I try so hard to keep myself from sinking down into it every day. I’m fighting so hard to keep my dreams alive and I’m glad that I made it this far, but I don’t feel like I’m living my life yet. 


I’m tired of just getting by, accepting whatever life hands me, finding the tiniest glimpses of happiness once in a rare blue moon.

I feel trapped and isolated and I’m tired of feeling like this. I have to be courageous and ambitious enough to build the life I dream of rather than accept the second rate life I’ve been given. The longer I’m here, the more bitter and resentful I become. It’s been 10 years.. I finally realize that staying here is holding me back from the life I could be living.

I just want to be happy, that’s the only thing I’ve ever really wanted.

Stop Believing that you are powerless and forced to accept a second rate life. You have the power to achieve any goal you set your mind to. 

 

Chasing Desire

Searching for what I never find…

My soul craves Expression, Inspiration, Connection, Energy….I find it in music, in movement, in Nature.

When I’m not performing or expressing myself, I feel bitter, bored, depressed and dissapointed. There’s so much desire still locked inside.  I need to breath life into my desires. Do what I feel, feel what I do, and Love it.

☮️💙🌞Shenise G.

Mirror, Mirror

When I was younger, I could not understand why people seem to come and go throughout my life. I did not understand relationships and the value they added to my existence. Through my spiritual journey, I’ve been able to expand my perspective. I now understand that relationships help us to learn  things about ourselves that are sometimes hidden from our own perspective. At times, these truths about ourselves are hard to face, but they are necessary for our personal growth.

mirror

The people around us are our mirrors, they reflect our own image back to us. In the same way, we reflect our self image, positive or negative,  onto the people around us. The more we learn to accept ourselves, the more we learn to mirror our love and acceptance to those around us. By learning acceptance, we can understand that  we are ALL Human. No person is perfect.When we are hurt or hurt others,  we have to forgive and keep Loving each other just as we continue to forgive and love ourselves.

This perspective helps us with our daily interactions with people. When we feel ourselves becoming upset about something that someone has said or done, we can learn to turn the mirror back on ourselves by asking these questions…

Why am I really upset right now?

What am I reacting to?

What does this situation say about me?

By turning the mirror back onto yourself, you eliminate anger and conflict towards other people.You will also learn to stop blaming others for your own unhappiness and you will  stop projecting your negative emotions onto others.  Every person, conflict, and situation comes into your life for a reason, to help you learn more about yourself so that you can continue to grow. I am thankful for all the teachers I’ve had throughout my life. Without them, I would not have been able to gain this level of self awareness and self love that has created a higher consciousness and positive perspective in all I do.

Anxiety

Does a person diagnosed with a mental condition (depression, ADHD, OCD) always have this condition? Can it be cured or only treated?

I discussed this a few days ago with a mental health therapist. She was explaining the difference between a mental health therapist and a behavioral health therapists. In her line of work, she deals with young people diagnosed with conditions such as ADD, ADHD, OCD, and ODD. A behavioral therapist helps patients deal with the behaviors that occur from these conditions, but it does not cure the condition itself.

So the question is,  when a person learns to manage their behaviors through medication and/or therapy, does the condition ever leave?

For example, a person with ADD may work very hard with treatment and  get to the point where  they no longer need therapy or medication, but does that mean they are no longer diagnosed with ADD?

This question made me think about my own mental health. I am not diagnosed with any mental health conditions, but through my life I have struggled with depression and  anxiety. When I was a teenager,  I struggled with depression off and on because of things that happened in my past. I would replay painful experiences over and over in my mind and relive the feelings. Back then,  I didn’t know how to turn the thoughts off, so I  would sink down deeper.

Anxiety causes my mind to be restless and filled with worried, fearful thoughts. Physically, it is hard for me to rest, sleep and sometimes eat when I’m feeling pressured.  I know that anxiety, depression, and alcoholism runs on both sides of my family.  Before I understood it, I would fall into the same negative behavior patterns-shutting down, panicking over situations, and drinking too much trying to cover up my emotions.

Through the years, I’ve started to understand what causes my anxiety/depression and how it affects my moods and decisions. I’ve taken steps towards overcoming my anxious behaviors as best I can. I’m learning to stop using alcohol as a coping device and work through my emotions in a healthy way. I  try to keep my mind body and spirit filled with peace and positivity through prayer, worship and study, yoga, and music. I spend a lot of time in nature praying and meditating. I also try to be as physically active as possible to help the restlessness.  My creative outlets- dance, music, and writing are really what keep me sane.  These are not just things I enjoy but things I need in order to keep myself  balanced and away from negative habits. I know my stress triggers and when I feel myself becoming overwhelmed, I try to step back and do what I need to do to re-balance myself. 

In response to the question earlier, is the anxiety still there?

Occasionally a long period of time will go by where I feel very calm and peaceful then all of a sudden something will happen that throws me into panic mode or into that dark, heavy haze. Without realizing, I go back to those old behaviors-moving so fast that I can’t remember what I’m doing, drinking too much, and not able to sleep.

I used to be caught off guard when it resurfaced.I would be surprised because I thought I had dealt with the issue so it should be gone.  It has taken time, experience, and maturity to understand that you cannot just cure or fix a person’s emotional/mental state.  The condition is always there, but it might lay dormant until triggered.

My conclusion, Anxiety will always be a challenge for me because that’s just part of the way I am wired. At times I still have a tendency to worry too much, overthink situations, and stress myself out over small things, but I have learned positive coping devices to manage these behaviors. Anxiety may be a part of me, but I am not defined by it and it does not rule me. I am in control of my thoughts,emotions, and actions.  When I hear the voices of negativity whispering to me, I choose not to listen. Instead I filled my mind with positive thoughts, affirmations, and scriptures.

phil 4-anxious