Physical Existence

As much as I can, I want to escape this physical existence. I want to be more than my physical identity.

My physical life fills me with pain. Memories from my past are like visions of my past lives…How can I be so many people and still be whole?

People say I am young because of my physical age, but my soul is centuries old.

Some days my soul is heavy and tired and I feel trapped in this physical cage.

I feel free when I can escape into my spiritual realm of meditation, dance, music, nature.

I won’t be truly happy or free until I learn to live from my soul.

Comment me if you ever feel this way or have any knowledge/experience of metaphysics that I can gain from.

Thank You,

Shenise G.


Just Existing

Today is one of those cold, grey days….

Lately , I feel it more and more


Homelessness…not just physically

But emotionally, disconnected from everything.

Part of me is questioning why I decided to move here alone??

Everything feels empty and meaningless

What is there to look forward to?

At work, I’m just taking up space

Not even present.

Every day I face facts

A relationship won’t fill me.

I’m not living, just existing.

I won’t feel like Me again until I’m creatively productive and connected again.

More to Life

I’m Sick of being trapped inside a system where I can’t get ahead.

I’m always working, but still behind.

They say Money is the root of evil but it affects our quality of Life…

I’m always outside looking in at the Life of my dreams….

Watching people of privledge prosper effortlessly.

Me I have to split myself in 3 to study, work, and try to live my dreams.

When am I free to pursue my passions??

They say you cannot Buy Happiness….

So I guess I should learn to be content with Living from Hand to Mouth 

every day of every week of every month.

Don’t get me wrong, I am Thankful for everything I have.

I see people in far worse circumstances every day.

Thankful I am, but content? Not at all.

With Spiritual eyes, I see where I am supposed to be.

I can’t Accept Work, Struggle, Repeat as the  theme of my saga.

There’s More to Life and I deserve it.

So aggressively I will work, study, Move, shift, and shake my Plans into action

As I Pray, Trust, and Believe there is More to this Life.

Inside my Mind

My anxiety makes me doubt and question everything, even things I know are true. I try to be positive and not expect the worst, but When things turn out well, I am always surprised.

My Add Mind makes it hard to listen to people speak, hard to follow instructions, and hard to follow my own thoughts sometimes. I have many goals, but I haven’t learned to stick with just one Thing at a time. I don’t know if it’s possible. If I’m not doing a hundred things at once, then it feels like I’m not doing enough.

My depression just makes me want to be alone. Some days There’s a lingering pain of loneliness, but it’s hard to explain to others why you’re sad for no reason. I keep myself busy so I don’t have time to feel, but sometimes it catches up with me. Drinking doesn’t help, but it’s still my medication of choice.

I accomplish goals, but always the hard way because of the way my mind works. Sometimes there are obvious solutions to simple problems, but I wonder around in circles making things harder than necessary.

How do I feel about myself? I have my ups and downs… I am a perfectionist. It’s hard to love and accept myself with so many kinks and quirks. I always feel that I want to be better. I’m disappointed when I realize I cannot “fix” myself.

I struggle to love myself because I don’t want to be like this.

I’m always in a hurry, I’m impatient, irritable, I isolate myself because it feels easier to deal with this baggage alone.

I’ve dealt with these issues forever, even before I knew what they were called, but now I’m living in a new place in a new relationship. There’s much more at stake. Now, I am forced to see the many ways my mental habits affect my life and my partner’s.

This year I want to get help. I want to learn how to be a whole, functional person. I want to stop repeating self destructive habits. I want to be in Control of my emotions. But even if I never get it all together, I want to learn to love and accept myself for who I am.

I am not broken, just flawed like every other human on this Earth.

One Day at a Time

Reality has a way of Humbling me.

Breaking me to my knees,

Sreaming in my face…

“Wake Up Cinderella!”

I’m trying to stop jumping the gun. I keep trying to make things happen before it’s time…I’m a control freak.

I’m trying to stop setting my expectations so high, it’s a setup for disappointment. Things in my life are never the way I see them in my mind.

Why do Dreams Manifest so slowly?

It’s hard to break these habits because I want what I want so badly. It feels like I’ve been waiting my whole life… Every day I pray for strength, patience, and peace. There never seems to be enough.

I’m trying to let Go and let God lead. I’m trying…Pray for me.

NYC Journey- Life Lessons

What Have I learned since I moved to NYC two months ago?

1. This is a year of transition… Challenges and complications are part of the process. I’m still learning to face my challenges with a confident attitude instead of an irritated, defeated one. Although it is mentally/emotionally, and physically draining at times, I have to remain inspired. Starting over and moving here was my own decision. I have to remember my reasons for that.

2. Pace Yourself…. I came here with a lot of major goals-Participate in a Pro. Dance program, Audition, live on my own, work, go back to school. After the first month, I realized that my financial situation will not allow me to accomplish all of these goals at the same time. 

Now how do I adjust, re-focus and stay inspired without allowing disappointment to take over my mind and emotions?

3. Be Consistent….Every day I feel impatient with where I am in life. I want to speed things up to the way they are in my mind…I want to make drastic changes. I don’t want to sit around and wait for the changes to come in their own time. I want to do more and more instead of remaining fully focused on reaching the goals I’m already working towards.

How do I learn to be content with where I am, develop a consistent attitude without changing my mind and turning to bad habits when life gets stressful?

How can I be more patient and accepting of myself and my journey?

FRee Spirit LOve?

Up until recently I thought of myself as a Free Spirit… Then a new friend brought up that I am actually high strung. I was irritated at first, but I knew she had valid points.

Since I moved to NY, I’ve been in constant work mode, It’s hard to relax…Rent is outrageously high, I don’t have my own place yet, I need a Second job, and I’m starting school next week. Most of my day when I’m not working is spent traveling / navigating around the City so by the end of the day I’m exhausted. With all that, I’ve barely had the time and energy to do the thing I came here to do…. DANCE!

I’m trying my best to calm it down, but I know I have a tendency to make things even more complicated by trying to do everything myself. Yesterday, most of my day consisted of trying to meet up with my friend in Central Park. We started at 1 and we didn’t find each other until 5….. So many things went wrong, But instead of going with simple solutions to make things faster, I insisted on trying to figure it out myself. What started as a leisurely Sunday afternoon ended up being a complicated, exhausting journey. Needless to say, I had the worst attitude by the time my friend met up with me…

She talked with me about it and told me to stop being so hard on myself (by that time I was going on a full rant about all the time I wasted by going to the wrong location). We went back and forth for a while, But I had to admit she was right…. 

Yes, I can be very high strung and complicated for no reason… My mind just works that way. 

So how do I get back to being my old, carefree and Free Spirited Self??

Maybe I need to accept my own limitations and Stop trying to do it all on my own.

Maybe I should try to be more patient with myself and learn to enjoy the journey rather than fixating on the outcome.

Maybe I need to stop fighting against my own emotions and admit that I Really Like this Girl!

Maybe I just need to Stop trying to control everything and Just Let it Happen (as long as it’s not leading to danger or harm of course).

Those things are all easier said than done…But Today is a new Day and I’m going to try my best.

Peace, Love, Happiness

Shenise G.