Psychology of Self

Exploring What it means to be an…

Introverted

Empathic

Highly sensitive

Woman, teacher, creator, performer, student striving and in search of Peace, Love, and Happiness.

Balance

Adapting to stress and demands of work and society. Feeling pressured to be on always, finding balance with alone time and not feeling bad for it.

Anxiety

I wish I didn’t think so much, but it’s the way I function.

Wanting to come out of my shell, sexually and creatively…

practicing non-judgment with myself, especially with the quirks I’m insecure about..

Not being able to climax with others….

Healing

Understanding my past and Healing from toxic relationships, emotional abuse

The trap of non-expression, depression and isolation

Unlearning ingrained patterns in my mind and soul: fears that keep me silent and shut down, overcoming shame and guilt, learning to let go

Communicating

With dating,  deciding to try it again with an open minded attitude, positive, and accepting but still look out for myself. In the past, I would get so negative and fearful, it has kept me away from trying to get to know people and letting people know me, but it gets lonely, I want to be able to be open and communicate.

Don’t assume that people are out to judge you or hurt you. Some people just want to love you.

Vulnerability

Is still hard and still scary, I’m learning that it can’t be avoided.  I’m trying to learn to embrace it. It does get easier with conscious effort and practice. I have to remind myself that I’m ok. I’m learning not to give people power over my emotions. It is ok to have emotions and to express them.  I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

With everything, I know that people see me in many different ways. I can’t ignore the thoughts,but I can make them positive and loving instead of fearful and negative.

Psychology Today-Explanation of Introverts

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-secret-lives-introverts/201707/the-reason-introverts-might-think-too-much

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Sober Day 1

No matter how high

Always a thorn in my side.

What’s left to hold on to?

What’s left to lose?

She is my motivation to get better, stronger and stop this destructive pattern.

I can’t keep on like this.

A bad habit is not worth losing a relationship.

I need her more than I need it.

I.LET.GO

release

I Let Go of …

Trying to change, trying to fix, trying to be perfect, trying to hold on to brokenness, trying to do it all, trying to please, trying to be everything to everyone, trying to control things beyond my control.

I Let Go of..

My fears-fear of the unknown, fear of perception, fear of rejection, fear of lack, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of abandonment, fear of judgment, fear of disapproval,  fear of vulnerability.

I Let Go of…

My expectations, insecurities, self-doubt, self condemnation, self sabotage, bitterness, jealousy, drama, over-thinking, worrying, expecting too much.

I let Go of shame, guilt, and pain.

I let Go because I am drained and stressed out of my mind, and that is NOT WHO I AM MEANT TO BE.

I was called TO BE FREE.

Let go and Start Living.
be free

Anxiety

Does a person diagnosed with a mental condition (depression, ADHD, OCD) always have this condition? Can it be cured or only treated?

I discussed this a few days ago with a mental health therapist. She was explaining the difference between a mental health therapist and a behavioral health therapists. In her line of work, she deals with young people diagnosed with conditions such as ADD, ADHD, OCD, and ODD. A behavioral therapist helps patients deal with the behaviors that occur from these conditions, but it does not cure the condition itself.

So the question is,  when a person learns to manage their behaviors through medication and/or therapy, does the condition ever leave?

For example, a person with ADD may work very hard with treatment and  get to the point where  they no longer need therapy or medication, but does that mean they are no longer diagnosed with ADD?

This question made me think about my own mental health. I am not diagnosed with any mental health conditions, but through my life I have struggled with depression and  anxiety. When I was a teenager,  I struggled with depression off and on because of things that happened in my past. I would replay painful experiences over and over in my mind and relive the feelings. Back then,  I didn’t know how to turn the thoughts off, so I  would sink down deeper.

Anxiety causes my mind to be restless and filled with worried, fearful thoughts. Physically, it is hard for me to rest, sleep and sometimes eat when I’m feeling pressured.  I know that anxiety, depression, and alcoholism runs on both sides of my family.  Before I understood it, I would fall into the same negative behavior patterns-shutting down, panicking over situations, and drinking too much trying to cover up my emotions.

Through the years, I’ve started to understand what causes my anxiety/depression and how it affects my moods and decisions. I’ve taken steps towards overcoming my anxious behaviors as best I can. I’m learning to stop using alcohol as a coping device and work through my emotions in a healthy way. I  try to keep my mind body and spirit filled with peace and positivity through prayer, worship and study, yoga, and music. I spend a lot of time in nature praying and meditating. I also try to be as physically active as possible to help the restlessness.  My creative outlets- dance, music, and writing are really what keep me sane.  These are not just things I enjoy but things I need in order to keep myself  balanced and away from negative habits. I know my stress triggers and when I feel myself becoming overwhelmed, I try to step back and do what I need to do to re-balance myself. 

In response to the question earlier, is the anxiety still there?

Occasionally a long period of time will go by where I feel very calm and peaceful then all of a sudden something will happen that throws me into panic mode or into that dark, heavy haze. Without realizing, I go back to those old behaviors-moving so fast that I can’t remember what I’m doing, drinking too much, and not able to sleep.

I used to be caught off guard when it resurfaced.I would be surprised because I thought I had dealt with the issue so it should be gone.  It has taken time, experience, and maturity to understand that you cannot just cure or fix a person’s emotional/mental state.  The condition is always there, but it might lay dormant until triggered.

My conclusion, Anxiety will always be a challenge for me because that’s just part of the way I am wired. At times I still have a tendency to worry too much, overthink situations, and stress myself out over small things, but I have learned positive coping devices to manage these behaviors. Anxiety may be a part of me, but I am not defined by it and it does not rule me. I am in control of my thoughts,emotions, and actions.  When I hear the voices of negativity whispering to me, I choose not to listen. Instead I filled my mind with positive thoughts, affirmations, and scriptures.

phil 4-anxious

Sit down, shut up, shut down.

 We have learned to shut our feelings off.

We have learned to drown the voices out.

we learn the game, pretend this is normal,

don’t you dare open your mouth.

Don’t speak, don’t think, don’t feel.

Sit still and smile through your tears.

You are a child.

How dare you act as if this affects you.

This is how we cope.

Then further down the road,

We ponder the pain that haunts

Who is this person ive become?

guarded, isolated, bitter,

afraid to even breathe

constantly apologizing

feelings buried deep.

We build walls  for protection,

trying to keep the world outside

If I don’t feel, then I won’t be disappointed.

If I don’t trust, then I won’t be hurt.

You made me this way, yet you wonder what happened?

Why so distant?

The rest of your life becomes undoing what was done.

05/29/15